haywire

thats the only word to describe relationships now.

i'm losing it with "him".
and honestly, i don't really know how or what to fix.
its just gonna go downhill,
and it seems there is nothing i can do about it.
this is pretty sad to me.
its not that i want to let it go.
i really hate this.
understanding is something i really need.

someone who understands me..

i used to feel open around some people.
but people change. heck, even i change.
some are for the worse, some for the better.
but honestly.. who can i turn to now?

i'm hoping that God helps me.
but what have i done to deserve it?
what am i doing about it?

not enough effort it seems.

this seems to be a pretty lengthy post.
maybe its because i'm just pouring myself out?
i feel so emotional.
so fragile.

i keep hoping that one day, i will be with "her".
that "she" will understand me.
whoever "she" is..
i have yet to know.
i may never know.

my life is really in God's hands now.
its so screwed up.
i need help.
desperately need help.

the world advocates some things.
but God is always true.
yet we often lose sight of him in all that we do.

sometimes i find myself asking these questions.
who am i?
what am i doing?
why?

i need to study.
i keep telling myself that.
but what have i done for it?
the answer is one word.
nothing.

i feel as if i'm at another emotional low.
something that hasn't occurred in a while.

i sit here typing this.
the clock reads 4am.
yet i wish i could go to church in the morning..
to accomplish what?

i feel like a damn hypocrite.

say what you mean.
mean what you say.

wasn't i the one who wrote those words on a blog months ago?
look where i am now.
i feel bitter laughter rising up in me.
a word comes to mind - sarcasm